Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Half full or Half empty?

I do try and look on the bright side of life as best I can. Although I have started to see that I think I really am more of a pessimist than an optimist. I dont want to be, I just guess sometimes you can't help yourself. Maybe events and mistakes in life just make you like that.

I seem to be up and down in my moods at the mo - one minute I believe I have everything to look forward to, the world is my oyster etc etc, then the next minute Im down in the dumps, the grass is always greener on the other side and my glass is so empty im peering right through it drowning my sorrows in the dregs at the bottom.

Today im not so bad. Dave is still a twat, but he's being okay. For the time being at least. We are having a few problems at the moment, usually about money, and I just know the next time something 'financial' arises there will be words spoken, or should that be shouted, and more than likely an argument, tears and tantrums and sulks. And that's just him! we do tend to get round our problems in the end but then they just come back again - its like a never ending roundabout sometimes and although I cant seem to jump off the roundabout I do feel at the end of my tether at times.

So I dont want to say my glass is half empty as, although there are the usual relationship problems etc etc, I have to remember that things could always be worse. At least I have my health, my family, my friends, and still plenty to look forward to. Half empty? Fill the bugger up and let's drink to life!

Friday, 5 June 2009


I am 30 years old. Dave is 31. We have been together for 6 years now. He is nearly 32, but has the common sense and mindset of an adolescent child. At this moment in time I think I actually hate him. Or do I? I do love him, as far as loving a boyfriend can go. I care for him. But just how many chances do you give someone who does not deserve them. Not at all. He does not know the meaning of the word respect. Or love. He is a liar. Not just little white lies. He is a compulsive liar. It is an illness that I believe he has but will not admit to. He is an ex-gambler. Although I use the term ‘ex’ very loosely. I don’t believe he has ever stopped or ever will. He says he has. I think otherwise. I know otherwise, im just too frightened to admit it to anyone else as well as myself. He is making my life a misery, a living hell, and I need to get out of it.
I am scared. I am living a lie. I am kidding myself. I am unhappy, miserable, wasting away what could be a good life, and I am just too pathetic and weak to do anything about it. In fact I don’t know what to do any more.

Don’t get me wrong, im not one of those women who gets beaten up behind closed doors then tells people she ‘ran into a door’. But I fear that it could go that way. I have started to become quite scared of him physically now. Especially after he has had a drink. He gets threatening. He slams doors and cupboards, throws things, breaks things. We argue. Constantly. And 99 times of 100 will be based on the one thing that has always been at the forefront of our relationship – money. Or lack of it.

I guess I will explain more about our relationship shortly but I am just so pissed off right now (and to be fair, slightly worried and frightened) that I feel like I just need to get things off my chest and tell the whole world how much of a pathetic, lying, cheating, thieving, conniving, sneaky 2-faced fucking prick he actually is. Welcome to my world.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

I am a nobody.

Sometimes we need an outlet for our thoughts. Our opinions. Our frustrations and our excitements. Sometimes we need to vent these feelings. What do you do when there is nobody around to listen? When nobody wants to listen? When you are too scared to talk? When you are afraid your opinions may be mocked? When you have those little secrets that you just have to tell? Or when you just need to get things off your chest regardless of whether anybody is listening or reading?

You blog. That’s what.

I am nobody. I don’t try to be anybody. I am just me. I have so many pent up frustrations and thoughts going on in my jumbled up little head at the moment that I decided to vent them via the wonderful phenomenon that it blogging. Its doesn’t matter that you may have stumbled across and have decided to read as far as this. I doesn’t matter that I am by no means a writer or the most perfect at spelling and grammar. For me this is just my little outlet. I don’t know you. You don’t know me. I am more than likely talking to myself most of the time but hey that doesn’t matter. Feel free to comment. I wont judge. I might even reply! I may even respect your own opinions and welcome any advice and thoughts of your own. But to me, this is a record of my life as I now live it, entering my thirties as a young hearted, career minded, confused, anxious little fish in a huge big pond.